I’m getting better. The feelings of weakness have subsided for the most part. I still feel pretty tired most of the time, and I can’t remember the last time I had two days in a row without “stomach” cramps—I can cope with these symptoms though, so I’m still calling overall progress in the right direction.
What has become even more obvious to me during the past several months (it isn’t as though I wasn’t already aware) is that I have a really awful relationship with food. A few weeks ago I had lunch with my cousin who is a true foodie. She loves tastes and textures and almost every thing about eating. I watched her having a near-purring, spine-tingling reaction to her meal, and I admit that I was awed.
I view food solely as a means to an end: energy to power my brain or my body through a day of work; a way to get through the next few hours without being possessed by the low blood sugar [not-nice-person]; something to take with medication to avoid nausea. Watching my cousin enjoy her lunch, I wasn’t just awed…I was jealous.
It reminded me of an experience Nick and I had on our honeymoon. Nick scheduled a Chef’s Tasting at the Flying Fish, and the man waxes poetic about the meal TO THIS DAY. He always looks at me expectantly as if I should join the chorus of angels in sweet memory of that most momentous event…and I usually scrunch my face trying to remember the meal at all. I think I even said once, “…I don’t remember getting sick from it, so there’s that?”
While my childhood relationship with food was just as poor but in a different way (I ate to anesthetize), there was a time in my early 20s when I truly enjoyed finding nutritious and flavorful things to eat. I was excited to plan my menus, and I paid attention to how food fed my body rather than my emotions. That was before meals became a total minefield, when foods I had been happily eating for years started causing issues.
I try to hide my distaste for eating, and I think (hope) I hide the truth fairly well…but the truth is that I would rather skip this eating nonsense completely. Of course I can’t do that because it is a basic need to survive (and I would lose friends by the dozens if the aforementioned “low blood sugar [not-nice-person]” were to become a permanent fixture). In a few days, I have my annual physical exam and also an appointment with a registered dietitian. I’m hoping to get some ideas from talking to the two of them to make this easier to cope with as my current “guess and check” approach to eating seems to be an epic fail.
I really do think I am getting better…it’s just that I’m nursing a sore tummy as I type, and I’m feeling extremely whiny.