Waiting: the thief of youth. My young life always about what was going to happen next, never what was happening at the moment.
I renewed my domain this morning, when I vividly remember purchasing it three years ago to replace the website that carried my ex-husband’s name. Three years ago…wow. What a different place I was in then. Just learning to live again, wishing Mom’s Cancer away, and figuring out if there was anything I was excited to wait for.
I became a prolific blogger, often publishing twice a day. I’ve always written my way through the hard times. I remember the waiting then, waiting for the ache in my heart to lessen, waiting for the outlook to brighten, waiting for life to go back to the way I was comfortable with it being. Writing filled the overwhelming emptiness of the wait.
My blogging has fallen by the wayside in recent years. Not that the art is not the same faithful friend that it has always been, but rather that I no longer feel like I am empty. I am not waiting. I have now arrived at the stage in my life where I am living.
Last week, I finished my associate’s degree. I have two more years to finish the bachelor’s program before I tackle the next level. I finished with a four-point-oh. I had a work review with my manager earlier in the week, and he told me that I will go far—that he did not know me well enough to be certain, but that I seemed driven to succeed at all costs.
That caught me. I do not deal in absolutes. At all costs? No…but at most. I am fortunate to have learned early in life, albeit the hard way, how to prioritize and use whatever time I have to accomplish what I want to accomplish. I regret the time I wasted mourning the death of my former life in the fall of 2005. I did not see the opportunities before me, only those lost. The wasted time of waiting, indeed…
Ignoring the fact that I have almost no free time at all (and when I do, I usually dedicate it to something truly needy such as an overlarge laundry pile), I think I blog less simply because I no longer need a witness or someone to substantiate my claims of a brighter tomorrow. Tomorrow will be whatever it will be, but today is what I can change.
I was tired of waiting for that elusive something that would fix everything…especially when the girl in mirror seemed more than capable of turning things around. And lookie-there: she did. Yes, I was a different person when I decided to chronicle my lore. I wanted someone to enjoy, someone to approve, or maybe just someone to care.
With that sad little door shut, I suppose I should warn you that I will be here and there for the next four years with mundane drivel about my chubby cat, pesky significant other, or exasperating family (all of whom I love beyond words) sprinkled with dull tidbits of my forays through Finance. Now, now, hold that excitement in.
HAH! I just realized that the title may be a touch misleading with the recent election. I won’t say much on that subject but to tell you that for the first time in, hmm, maybe eight years, I woke Wednesday morning with a lighter weight on my shoulders.