I haven’t meant to be standoffish, I’ve just been busy…and sore. I went kayaking for the first time ever this weekend—to say nothing of camping. More on that later, but a weekend without electricity should be a reasonable excuse for any of the lauralore.com readers as to my Saturday-Sunday absence, even that one who leaves disparaging comments.
Nick’s birthday was Sunday, and I wish I had been more energetic to really celebrate the day…make it really special, but Laura was pooped. It wasn’t until about 2:13PM today that I was actually able to make a fist…rowing is tough on the hands. Particularly rowing for 6-7 hours on your first-EVER kayaking expedition:
It was a rough day today…and I’ve finally decided why, and it’s the silliest reason ever. Everything’s been reminding me of Mom…I’ve been fighting tears all day…little memories keep sneaking up on me and my heart absolutely aches. Today my gym membership expires. I will not be renewing, leastwise not in DeForest. I’ve been staying active out of doors…I need to be better about it, but still.
My Mom bought me six months of membership for Christmas last year…I think that’s what’s triggering it. It was a membership I started with Miles—I’ve grown tired of the questions inquiring after my husband—and renewed due to a holiday gift from a woman I cherished more than life itself. The place holds too many hard memories for me…walking zombie-like on the days immediately after Miles left…running to the point of near-faint the week that Mom died. It is those moments that inundate my thoughts when I swipe my card and the computerized voice chimes, “HAVE A GREAT WORKOUT!”
But really, my heart has been growing heavy for many days now, it isn’t just today. Sunday, returning from our trip, I told Nick that I’m afraid of my next move. I’ve had a complicated set of circumstances over the past several years…it’s been emotionally draining and my life veered long ago from the path I wanted it to take. Lennon had it right when he advised that life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.
I admitted my fear…now that some of my responsibilities have faded away, now that all of the groundwork I’ve labored so hard to lay is beginning to pave my way, what if I fail? What if I just can’t be who I want to be? Regret is beginning to take hold, and it is the most loathsome of all…I don’t believe in regret, and now I bathe in its murky depths.
My day curved up in silly’s grin when an individual told me at break that I was adorable and could totally pass for Barbie—in a non-plastic, anatomically correct way—and that they were so glad I was their coworker. Cheap that this perked my spirits? Probably. Do I care? Not really. You’ve gotta get your smiles where you can…some days they seem to be in limited reserves.