A week ago, I had a birthday...and even though I spent it in paradise and with an individual that I deeply care for, I found myself heavy-hearted with the weight of my time here. All of the news programs that night were re-playing images of Princess Diana...and you know how sometimes a picture or a sound bite can take you back in time? Well, the Queen of Hearts died on my sixteenth birthday.

I remember myself quite well at that age. I wasn't your typical teenager, choosing to stay at home with a good book over going out and partying...choosing to bum around with my mother instead of friends. I never really went through that "I hate life" teenage angst, and I wasn't dedicated to finding a way out of my small town. I was centered on my family. I had grandiose plans of success and wealth.

Things have become fuzzier as life has taken some unexpected turns. Maybe I was too sure of everything, or everything had been too easy up until a certain point, but I've been tested. For someone who always wanted a career before a husband, I married young. For someone who always felt that marriage was a life contract, I divorced quickly. For someone who always took a certain amount of pride in their intelligence, I left college before getting a degree. For someone someone who only ever saw black and white, I've learned to differentiate between the hues of gray.

I was so singularly focussed on my goals that I was glass, unable to bend and likely to break. I broke alright. It took a good breaking to get my head on straight...but that is not how I remembered it that night...I only remembered the shattering. I felt the failures weigh upon me.

I ran myself a hot bath and turned on the jets while I soaked, putting on my dusty philosopher's hat and talking myself down. What is failure? I told Mom once, while trying work through the enormity of her dying, of my marriage ending, "I wouldn't want God's job...why should I tell him how to do it?" One of the hardest and most rewarding things I've accomplished is to stop questioning. I no longer wonder why.



The Serenity Prayer. Now, being that I'm all gray-sighted and everything now, I know that many of you do not have the same faith as myself. I have never been a strong disciple, one of the biggest reasons I did not continue on to Seminary. I do not set out to change your minds or to question your own beliefs. I am very strong in my faith, and all I can say is that I hope you are very strong in yours, whatever it may be. We all need something to believe in.

I embraced this plea more than any other. Over my desire to press rewind and go back to an easier time, I asked for the ability to accept my new reality. By grace, it was granted.

By grace, I am more okay with who I am than I have ever been. I acknowledge my strengths, and I can show my weaknesses. I am unafraid to test myself. I know that I have value. I have been untainted by heartbreak. I have grown independent in my mother's passing, but I no longer feel so alone. I realize now that the sanctity of a feeling trumps any rational thought and allow myself the "frailty" of wearing my heart on my sleeve. I am not a robot.

I no longer do things because I think somebody is watching. I no longer perform for others. I live for me. I live to love and to further myself, and I live to be unashamed. I fought the urge to go into hiding, I still fight. I still believe that my life is the fairy tale I grew up believing, but now I remember that every now and then we have a fire-breathing dragon to deal with. I forgive. I let go. I am happy with my life, even though I do not have a case of trophies to show for it.

Mom always said, "It is what it is."

And it is wonderful. I am moving forward.