I felt so loved yesterday, in spite of seeing Miles for the first time in seven months.

We met at a Border's coffeeshop in the evening, and I shed my last bit of tears on Nick's deck while he hovered over me with the most heart-melting, empathetic gaze. "I'll be ok, I always am at showtime."

It's just that so many memories have flooded back. So many. The day he left most specifically...the day he left and the day that my mother placed herself between me and my own self destruction. I cry at her absence. I cry that she isn't here now. I cry that she doesn't get to see the conclusion to the life-restoring process that she helped me to begin.

Debbie and Brenda offered to go to Border's with me. Charlie did. Dad did. Nick did. They offered more times than I can count. "No, this is something I have to do alone." I returned to Nick's last night, after spending truncated time with my aunts, who were so dearly concerned. He had goodies of peanut M&M's, coffee ice cream, and a recording of Elliot Yamin singing The National Anthem. I was warmed by the thoughtfulness, and morned that I simply had no appetite.



In less than an hour I'll leave for the courthouse. In less than two hours I'll be a divorcée. In less than a day I'll wake with continuance before me once more. I can give you a countdown to every hope, every desire, and every freedom...but I don't know how I am going to get through right now...I only know that I will. I will wield the strength and acceptance that once inspired such motherly pride...it's all I can do.