So, June 12th—the day Nick and I have taken to calling "D-Day"—is quickly approaching. I have been feeling much less, much much less, than adequate as of late. An 8:30-AM court appearance...fifteen minutes later and four years of my life are scribbled over with tempered strokes of red ink. My dear friend Sarah, a few weeks ago, looked at me sympathetically...Marriage was always something she and I talked about in the "forever" sense...both proclaiming "If MY parents can stay together....!" Sarah rallied her girl power then and muttered, "I never liked him..."
"...I know."
"I mean I don't mean to say 'I told you so,' but..."
I gave her a sardonic smile and found it a relief that I can still laugh about the hard things. This is part of my mother's legacy...if you can't find levity in life, you're screwed. I noticed it also on Friday, while Nick was waiting in line, which was snaked around the compact disc display, to get
a book signed at the Border's just off of University Ave, and he pointed out the
March of the Penguins score. "That's a somewhat source of guilt for me," I told him with a wince. "Mom wanted to see that movie so badly while it was in the theatre. I didn't. I thought it looked boring. I kept suggesting other movies to go to instead."
"Oh, way to go!" Nick taunted with his cheeky demeanor.
I volleyed, "Well who knew she'd die so soon! Jeez!" It feels good that I can talk about her without pain...it feels good that I've retained her humor, black as it sometimes strays. We'd always talk, her and I, about starting a charity for her Cancer's fund-raising. But we always decided it would be a downer...the first twelve being dead and all. Unfailingly, we would instead pool our brain power toward something productive like
dishwasher-loading. It seemed to work better that way.
Anyway, getting back to the capping-off of my most obvious failure. It started to hit me, really hit me yesterday. We were headed toward Lodi, Harmony Grove actually, to spending the afternoon on Jeff's new boat. I was staring out of the window of Nick's SUV and all of the sudden I was fighting tears. I knew what I would be doing next weekend...I would be rifling through my belongings from another life, and segregating the his from the hers. I'd have to prepare to see the man whose voice I've heard maybe twice since last October, the man who I really don't want to see at all.
Debbie said just last week when I was beginning to get worked up over it, "At least your Momma was here to get you through." So true...it was a good month before she let me spend any time alone. My life had taken an unexpected leap from the highest cliff, and I so desperately wanted to follow suit. And when I learned that he was almost instantly in his next relationship, my father believes that this news gave my mother the spunk to hang around more months than her body was prepared to offer. The marriage would not be healed. Her daughter had to be.
So I took the reins, and began the end, my pastor's counsel in my ears. My mother voiced the fears I had admitted to her in confidence, knowing I would not admit them on my own. "She's upset that she made promises to God. She thinks she can never remarry because God sees her as married for life...and she's so young to be locked to that, Pastor." Pastor Doug read Bible passages...
let the unfaithful leave...instructing that God placed us here to know love, to give it and to accept it.
Even so, my soul felt black yesterday, and I was glad that I had finally gotten around to getting some waterproof mascara. Nick held my hand and massaged its back. He keeps hoping that in just over a week, a lot of my stomach pain will go away...dear lord I hope so. That would be a blessing. I sent off some bills Friday Afternoon...stupid tests that take two seconds and cost hundreds, even after my pitiable insurance has had their share. I texted Brenda who said she had mall gift certificates with which to go shopping...I told her I was poor...but wait until Tuesday!—payday! When I'll be upgraded to "mostly poor". Everything is just coming to a head.
But, thanks to Nick, to Jeff and Kara, I had a completely wonderful day...a bit of a sunburn on my chin and knees, but it isn't truly summer until you've sustained that particular bite. Sun and water...soaring birds, statuesque herons, wind...complete peace. After the day wrapped up, and Jeff's sister, his young niece and nephew left for home, the four of us went scouring the big town of
Lodi for dinner possibilities. 8:14 on a Saturday evening—what were we thinking? Like any of Lodi is still awake after 8:00!
But we found a bar, and I had fun trying to cure Jeff's hiccups...he seemed quite gullible. "Massage behind your ears." "Eat this packet of sugar." He did it. All. We were THIS close to having him lick the sidewalk. I got the deluxe grilled cheese sandwich. Kara almost got the same...because it had bacon...but she didn't want the tomato or onion. I admitted with a wince that I wanted the tomato and onion, but I was going to order it without the bacon. I seem to be the yang to a lot of people's yin. The banana conundrum most famously. Was it Anna who said she only eats greenish bananas? Never gets through them before they get all yellow? Yes, well by the time they go brown, they only way I'll take them, I've got a very short time to consume a bundle.
Nick perked up, "Order it on the side! I'll use it on my sandwich!" It's the little things I do that make him so blessed. On Friday, during the aforementioned book signing-wait, I brought him a half of a small iced coffee. I actually got it for myself, but became chilled during the consuming. I ordered it small because, as I've also already said, I'm poor. Had I known that my coquettish demeanor and a contrived eyelash flutter would land me a free coffee, I would've totally gone for the large. So, I gave Nick half of a small free coffee...he was properly grateful.
Anyway, being that I've begun to ramble and have totally veered from coherence, I suppose I can wrap it up. This will be a difficult week for me...preparing for an end. I seem to be closing so many doors in my life...I hope to find an opening soon.
