I suppose I'm lucky.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

I suppose I'm lucky.

So many marriages end in hissed epithets and abundant cruelty. I've been spared. But, as I read over the papers for divorce yesterday, I was imbued with this overwhelming sadness. Ends are always hard. I wasn't given a choice in the current state of my marriage. I was stripped of my rights and respect and left to reach out into the empty air...and here, I'm the one beginning the formal end. I can't find my traction when I don't know where I stand.

Still, there's the guilt, the feelings of failure. I have never been so grateful for my "forgive and forget" mentality as I have been these last two months. Bitterness is a noxious gas. We are making our exodus from holy matrimony as lambs, and we are holding one another's hand...I ought to rejoice. The sense of inadequacy will fade.

But, yesterday found my air rank with it. I spent the whole of last night somewhere between wakefulness and slumber. I likened a lot of my early emotions to a scab that kept being pulled off. I'd reach one level of healing, and then something would happen and I'd have to start all over again...add weariness to pain, and it spells bad news, bucko. Yesterday, it began to fall off on its own, and the wound looked pretty darn good. The sense of stability, of moving forward, sang to me through my melancholy, and I was spent with the duality of it by nightfall.

"Upward and onward," as they say. I really am very lucky.

Posted by Laura Kazynski in Serious at 05:56 | Comments (20) | Trackbacks (3)

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Hi Laura. I am a lurker...and I have a suspicion that you have many of them, but I felt like coming out of the shadows today. You have a very captivating writing style, and your openness is beautiful. I have been dealing with the dissolution of my own marriage during nearly the same duration as you have yours.

In fact, I found your site when I started googling the symptoms I was going through...the loss of appetite, depression. I found that post you made about finding strength to pay for the next chapter, and I really feel that from that day forward I began to heal from this broken life of mine. It helps knowing that you aren't alone.

I've read every day since...and I stand in awe of you. You posess such a wisdom, and especially in one so young. I think you just might be the most decent person I "know", and the world could learn something from your example...I know I have. You've let the anger and hate go, and you're stronger for it. I'm workig on doing the same because I want that thing you wrote of (yes, I've looked through your archives too) where you said that your idea of a perfect day is falling asleep knowing that you haven't made anybody to feel like they're less than they are...and that that's what you strive for. That's nice...that's really nice.

Your wit sparkles, naturally...you're always good for a smile! But, I wanted to tell you that even these, more serious posts...well, they touch us too. You are a talented woman, and you've helped me begin to live again. I'm glad that you're keeping up your blog, and I look forward to the new design...whenever it gets up lol.

Chan

#1 Chandra on 2005-12-14 08:09 (Reply)

Well, I've been a lurker longer than Chandra. I found your site listed from Serendipity's website months ago...just looking at different ways to skin it. Yours looked really good and was one of the most non-serendipity-lookin one I clicked on...so i stuck around and read a bit...and babe, you don't need an attractive website...it can stand on your entries alone. I, too am looking forward to seeing the new look.

But, I wanted to echo some of chandra's comments and say empowered I feel about life after some of your entries...that is, when I'm not laughing my ass off. Keep it up, and do think about writing professionally...I'd buy any book you had published...and probably buy a copy for all of my acquaintances for christmas that year lol. There's a solid 5 sales right there!

#2 Jonathan on 2005-12-14 08:29 (Reply)

Well, judging from the times on these comments, I'm thinking your lurkers must hit you during the first cup of coffee at work lol.

That's my routine anyway. I fill my cup, get comfortable, then bring up mlphillips.com--now lauralore.com. I love the new name, by the way. It's perfect. My name is Keri, and I actually found your site about a year ago. let's see if i can figure out this bbcode and link it for you...here it is.

A coworker has a husband who played a game with Miles and he had the address linked in a profile I guess...anyway, she reads it daily too (I am outting you, Katy!) and the day after thanksgiving when we were the only two in the office, she laughed her ass off and called me over. I've been hooked since. I enjoy your insights and definitely your humor. I love that you make disconnected thoughts and artform lol...I am impressed with your grace through all of the marriage crap, though...really really impressed. Decency should hav eyour name in the dictionaryi.\

anyway, it seemed to be a day for delurking, so I thought I'd add my two cnents.

Keri

#3 Keri on 2005-12-14 08:58 (Reply)

i'd buy a book too. you've got 6 sales set in stone now...what are you waiting for?

#3.1 Keri on 2005-12-14 09:00 (Reply)

Yes. Coffee and Laura. Sometimes a Cinnamon roll too, or even in place of the coffee...but the Laura remains constant.

#4 Samantha on 2005-12-14 09:27 (Reply)

(aka numbers 7, 8, and 9 on your projected sales.)

We've all been through shit. That's life...it sucks sometimes. We love that you can still laugh, still find humor in little things like clothes racks! You seem to know your mind so well...iit's like Jonathan...it is empowering. We're so closed up in this world...sometimes it's nice opening your page and finding a little humanity.

Well, we were just chatting about things...major delurking came out...so we thought we'd give a fleeting wave before hiding again.

marcie, sarah, and mike

#5 "The Tipsy Trio" on 2005-12-14 09:45 (Reply)

"Why be a song when you can be a symphony?" Your blog, Laura, is a sweet symphony with happiness, sadness, humor, strife, and other true human emotions. Thank you for sharing, it is always such a treat!

#6 Jocelyn on 2005-12-14 10:08 (Reply)

I'm part of the morning break crowd. I still drink coffee though...? can I still be part of the hip, first cup of coffee for the day crowd? huh? please?

Laura, your blog is wonderful. Your command on the english language is great, and you have a real gift. To follow our little delurker's theme: I'll be the tenth buyer of your book.

See, now ten whole copies. That's a hell of a spike for presales on a book that hasn't even been conceived!

Rick

#7 Anonymous on 2005-12-14 10:56 (Reply)

Ok, so you're beautiful. Something tells me that you don't even realize it. Be that as it may, you also have a beautiful way of seeing life, and sharing it with the masses. Sometimes I catch myself getting a little "lauraness" in my head, and suddenly there's something making me smile again. I lost my father to cancer last month, Laura. So, I know what it's like...the familiarity with the cancer ward, the need to make light of the serious shit that's going on...I get it. A friend who plays EL sent me a link to your page while I was going through it...to the link where you told the world that your mother was dying. That took guts, girl...but in so doing your honesty in emotions has helped me deal with mine. I think that's what I like most about you...you keep it real...you deal with things when they happen. I balled like a baby when I read that post you wrote about your mother on your birthday...and I don't even know you. Your words are a sort of catharsis, Laura...for all of us. As you wrote a few months ago, "hurt is hurt" You've given me the wisdome to embrace my own hurt, and I am a stronger person for doing so. Be well.

Oh, and #11.

#8 Erica Trebucheni on 2005-12-14 12:17 (Reply)

Laura,

I, too, have to pop in here to say that you are enlightening to each of us that read your blog. Your approach to life and the way that you have touched me is unexplainable! Laura, you are truly a saint!

#9 Lisa on 2005-12-14 14:30 (Reply)

This is like that children's movie, "Annabelle's Wish" (yes, I'm a 30-something male who watches cartoons--in my defense, I have a young nephew!) where all of the animal get a special day of talking every year and then they have to be quiet the rest of the 364 days. I guess December 14 is that day for us lurkers...and tomorrow we'll return to our silent observation lol...

Anyway, there's not much I can say that hasn't already been said. You're obviously well-loved, and I hope the people in your life cherish the gift they have in you. You express yourself so well here, that it's hard not to fall a little in love with you, be it man woman or child. There's this light in you that everyone wants to pull into their own life. Erica said it well--you keep it real. You deal with it while it's raw. It's easy to look at someone who's struggling and think them weak...but it's those who are willing to struggle that manage to get back on their feet again, all the wiser for next time.

When you first announced that you and Miles were separated, I was furious. I was so angry at the injustice of it...that you would just be made to find a note like that, etc...but int he weeks since, I've learned something from you. I've had many times where I read you and I think, "Damn, she's too nice...she should be screaming about this! He screwed her over! What about hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!?" I was actually becoming frustrated with you because you weren't dishing out what you were dished. I kept waiting for you to get to the grittiness of it, to the nasty name calling...it never came. It's dawned on me that it never will for you. You can close a book and set it aside while most of us have to burn it. I think this is why your library for affection seems so much broader than ours--because it is.

Blogging has become an interesting thing, hasn't it? Some think it's almost self-important. I think we can safely say, particularly on our day of lurker-speak, that yours is not...yours heals you, and yours heals others...and in the meantime, we get to laugh.

#10 Brandon Masterson on 2005-12-14 16:22 (Reply)

Ok, since It's supposed to be the day of "lurker-speak" (cute, Brandon!) I thought I'd take the plunge...

Laura, I think you have a real talent. I'm not just blowing sunshine up your ass. I don't say nice things unless I mean them. Write. I don't care if you write a book or write a guide to life...but you need to write. We're not given gifts to squander them...you need to write. And I hope you tell us when you do...so we can buy

What are we up to? 12? plus the silent bids?

#11 Sue T on 2005-12-14 17:54 (Reply)

I appreciate your generous words and I'm marking December 14th on the calendar...see you next year!

Seriously though, thanks...

#12 Laura (Link) on 2005-12-15 04:24 (Reply)

Laura, I am late coming to the comments...I check your site early in the monring...had no idea that yesterday was lurker-speak day! I'll remember next year!

When I first stumbled onto your website over a year ago, I admit that I was insanely jealous of you. Jealous and envious. I wanted your life...no, I wanted to be you. You were breathtaking, and you had this relationship with a man who obviously adored you, and whom you obviously cherished. It was as life is supposed to play out. I'd sit at my computer, a disshelved middle-aged woman married to an alcoholic and wonder where I went wrong...what I did in my young life that veered me to such a different path from yours.

Then, this happened. I don't think I'm the only one who can say that I was shocked when I read about the separation. I can't imagine what it must have been like for YOU. This is YOUR reality. I read as you crashed. Many days my chest would actually ache because I could feel your pain through your words. You have a very good vocabulary.

The odd thing is that I still find myself envious of you. Your life has been through the wringer...your husband left you and your mother is dying...but still, you have this peace of mind that I've struggled my entire life to get. You've got something bright waiting ahead for you...

I'll take #13.

#13 Ashlyn on 2005-12-15 05:28 (Reply)

I'm not sure this post will be welcome by some, or even all, but Laura and I talked this morning and I decided to post once on here.

Laura and I started being Laura and I as best friends for many years. Then, we decided that maybe it was more than friendship and tried the dating / marriage thing. We seemed to be the happiest in the world, but truly we were best friends still, and really just unwilling to admit it to each other. I did the hardest thing I've ever done, and left in the only way I thought at the time could work. After 2 months of struggling with it Laura and I are now back to best friend status, probably the way we should have always been.

The love of a best friend, and the love of a spouse can be a very blurred line when you are as close as Laura and I. We are both thankful to have each other in our lives, and if we had it to do over again, we'd do it nearly the same way. We're at the end of this chapter, and it's a rough one, but the next chapter is just a few pages away. Let's all hope that next chapter starts getting penned soon!

Also EVERYONE, keep on her about writing!!! I've been trying to get her to do that since the day she moved in with me. She even started then, but set it aside.

#14 Miles on 2005-12-15 07:39 (Reply)

I think the two of you are good people and I wish you all the best. I'm so happy to hear that your connection to one another is still so strong...it would be a shame if it wasn't...because it's obvioius to the world that your'e very important to one another. Good for you for keeping one another in your life.

#14.1 Nathan on 2005-12-15 09:48 (Reply)

I feel weird posting on this thread because I've posted before...I'm not a lurker! But I needed to comment after Miles' and Nathan's comments...I, too, smile to think that the friendship is still so alive. You guys are the best, and I wish you much happiness.

#14.1.1 Heather on 2005-12-15 09:51 (Reply)

miles it's good to see your post. the post from Laura's bday was so special (hah! i figured out the bbcode too1!!1) and I think the female mlphillips readers had their hearts flutter a little. it's been confusing, the news with your marriage. i have often thought, 'god, if a man like that can be so detached from his wife, what hope to the rest of us have?' laura's made vague references in protection of you...and like the other commenter, it's made me mad that she hasn't been pissed. but, reading your comment...i feel shame. i would have been bitter about it...and i would have lost the friend. you two are still very lucky to have each other...and i'm sorry you rmarriage is ending, but i am overjoyed that you get to keep your strong bond of friendhsip. good for you. i guess life isn't as we'd like it to be. i'm glad that tha two of you have taken a sad time and made the best of it. you are beautiful people, and i'vebeen overjoyed to have been a part of your life.

laura, girl, keep writing. you're a pleasure.

#14.2 mary on 2005-12-15 13:15 (Reply)

Wow...what a testament to the human spirit. I've known from the first day I read mlphillips that you two were cut from a different cloth...a richer, more beautiful fabric. I was right, this confirms it. I am a lurker over and laur's fitness forum (funny that I should out myself here first instead of there lol...) and I have read her "success story" and I've seen the way she councils other people, and how she always wrote about you and her family...I've always been in awe of laura's capacity to forgive and to love so blindly. It's really a scary way to live...you set yourself up for pain over and over again...but she does this knowing that the price is worth it. She's the strongest person I've ever observed, and if you're still reading these comments laura, I applaud your life and the wya you choose to live it.

Miles, I also applaud yours. Laura's made references several times that the two of you are shockingly alike...yet shockingly different too. I think the moral fiber is among the similarities...and that, sir, is maybe the best compliment of your life. I am happy for the both of you, and am excited to watch what unfolds in your dear lives.

#14.3 Laurie Peters on 2005-12-15 17:12 (Reply)

It does my heart a world of good to hear from you, Miles...to hear where the situation really is. Well, "hear" in figurative terms, you know...

You two are lovely people. I've felt the pain of dissolusionment since it came out that you were separated...even before that, when laura was obviously suffering but we weren't told why. You write your way into our hearts, Laura...so well that I feel what you feel. Miles seemed like a prince...and even though you have never said a cross word about him, and only ever begged for understanding and well wishes for the both of you, I felt this anger. I felt anguish that such a fairy tale could be broken so effortlessly.

I realize now that "effortless" has no bearing in this situation. I see now that youre overwhelming affection for one another is what has made this the hardest.

Laura, you're the strongest person I know...I want to say that "your day is coming" and that "things will look up soon"...but I suspect they already are...you have a good head on your shoulders, and I learn well-being from you on a regular basis.

Miles, I apologize for every bad thought I had for you, and I am delighted to hear of your continued friendship. Blessings to your future, just as laura called for over a month ago. Be well.

#15 Jacqueline on 2005-12-15 18:45 (Reply)

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Wednesday, December 14, 2005

I suppose I'm lucky.

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