I read in a magazine last week that to adequately wash your hands, you should lather the soap for the length of the time it takes to do your ABC's. I put it into practice yesterday as I washed my hands in the hospital bathroom. As I stood at the sink with suds creeping up my forearms, I was faced with a dilemma.

Was I supposed to say my ABC's, or sing them? If I was to sing them, was I supposed to add that "Now I know my ABC's, next time won't you sing with me" part? I pondered the situation for quite some time as my hands glistened in soap. After the passage of several minutes, I deemed my hands germ-free and rinsed them to return to my mother in the waiting room.

I posed the question to her, about the ABC's and the hand-washing. She told me I had it wrong. I bit my tongue from saying that Good Housekeeping wouldn't lead me astray and let her speak. "It's the birthday song, Laur. You wash your hands as long as it takes to sing the birthday song."

Later that night, as I washed Chex Mix residue from my hands, I timed it to the birthday song...but, still more confusion! What does the "birthday song" really include? What about the "how old are you" bit? Or the "...and many moooore!" part? What about "you look like a monkey and you smell like one too"? This was becoming a very arduous experiment.

Finally, I decided that there are twenty-six letters of the alphabet. I used all of my fingers and toes and borrowed some of Dad's to come to that conclusion, but that's what I've decided. Being that some of the letters roll off of the tongue and some tend to linger, I'd say that thirty seconds is about how long it takes your average, non-Southern, non-Yankee American to say their ABC's.

Now, thirty seconds is a pretty standard unit of time...so much so, that Merv Griffin wrote a little tune for a little-known game show to use for a measure of time for the contestants. It's a fifteen-second tune that they play twice during a bit called "final jeopardy"...there are no words—didn't Gloria Estefan once sing that words get in the way anyway? This would seem a better way to instruct readers on how to wash their hands.

In conclusion: wash your hands however long you like, then use a sanitizing lotion...and I clearly need a job to be occupying my time.