The grocery store is rearranging—a somewhat regular ritual since the days of the Roundy's acquisition I am told—and I am not amused. The theory is that it makes the customers look more closely at the merchandise, you know, instead of just buying WHAT THEY CAME FOR. The theory is sound, I suppose. Just think of the benefit to surgeons if only they had mangled organs to look at during exploratory surgery instead of seeing them the boring old way they've grown accustomed to seeing them.

Last Friday, the store had not yet been grotesquely disfigured. I had no idea it was coming. I entered the shopping cart-laced foyer and jauntily made my way to the breads. We were having BLTs for dinner—without the "L" at Debbie's hand, and without the "B" at mine: so really I had a T for dinner—and I wanted mine on rye.

Rye bread has always been a taboo subject in my head. I've always liked it, even as a young child. If you could see the way my mother's face scrunches at the mere mention of rye, you'd think it taboo too. A craving is a craving though, and there are just certain times in a woman's life when she needs to satisfy her cravings or she'll surely parish. This was one of those times.

It took just 43 seconds to arrive at my destination with a confident step, the pace of a patron who knows her store. I selected a loaf of dark rye pumpernickel bread and made for the the express lane. In less than three minutes turn-around-time, my mission was completed. Now, granted, I didn't have the occasion to buy over-sized cans of lard or imported jalapeños, but I felt neither agitation nor dissatisfaction with my whirlwind visit. I felt as though....I left with just WHAT I CAME FOR. It was really quite a feeling.

I returned home and researched the health properties of rye bread, as I am wont to do, and found that though it isn't catching here is the USA where wheat remains king, rye is the healthiest grain. It is damn-near impossible to refine rye flour (which, of course, ups the fiber content—three cheers for fiber!) and let's face it, the less refined a product, the healthier it is.

So, taking a moment to gather my scattered thoughts here (I tend to update this sight while hyper on the morning coffee): I like rye bread (1), it is very good for me (2), and I found a brand of it that I like quite a lot (3). To me, that seems like three decent reasons to buy a replacement loaf. And that's exactly what I set out to do Monday morning.

Then, [inserts dramatic organ crescendo] I found chaos. The bread nook had been gutted. I hiccuped back a wave of despair as I wiped a dripping nose on my sleeve and began to suck my thumb. The old loaf was gone. Miles and I had eaten through it in a weekend. The gods of grocery store stocking were holding the rye breads hostage during the reorganization. I saw no rye, no rye at all.

I stumbled to where the bakery section used to be and found, to my relief, that they were still keeping the baked goods next to the kitchen...you know, where they bake things. Don't let my knowledge impress you, I used to hold the proud title of "Bakery Clerk" in this establishment, and know quite the array of insider details. They had loaves of rye. There was an absence of dark rye though, at least not in toaster-friendly shaped loves.

The label read "Plain Rye Bread", and I suppose I was emotional enough by that point that I didn't think to do my normal check of the listed ingredients. It is my own fault. This does not dispel my anger.

I initiated the loaf yesterday and it just didn't smell like rye. Its coloring was very light, and I couldn't see pockets of rye granules nestled in the spongy surface. I felt my forehead crease as I continued about my way, throwing two slices in the toaster, when I braced myself to look at the label. The first ingredient was bleached wheat flour. HMPH! It wasn't even "whole wheat flour"...if it was going to be a wheat bread, make it a HEALTHY wheat bread...not glue that'll just stick to the sides of your digestive tract! Rye flour was the third or fourth ingredient down! The stupid loaf should have been called "Low fiber wheat bread with a pinch of rye because it sounds easier to market that way"!

(Oh! Oh! And THIS stuff has partially hydrogenated oil! The nerve! The other loaf, the loaf pre-grocery-store-reorganization, boasted of no trans fat!)

It barely even tasted like rye when I made my tomato sandwich, my new favorite meal. I am frustrated. I have no desire to finish this bread for I feel deceived. I guess I'll just have to feed the ducks with it while on vacation...they don't seem so finicky as me...and I bet their digestive tracts can handle it a whole lot better than mine.

This is a very emotional time for me. I must leave you now.