When I first began learning the French language, during one of the few times my first teacher broke into English to speak so her glassy-eyed class could actually understand what she was saying (Madame P was fond of the throw 'em in the water and see if they figure out how to swim approach), we were told that it was so difficult picking up a second language because our ears don't pick up on what doesn't sound right. Most of us don't know what the heck a subjunctive is or even if it's bigger than a breadbox...but we know, sure as shooting, if a statement streams from a person's tongue like fingernails on a chalkboard.

Much the same, we're a people of rudimentary manners in our love-match world of junk food and television. Yet, innately, there are certain eating utensils I use for certain foods...many rules that I know I break because right feels oh so wrong. I'll hold off from allowing Freud to determine why it is that I require the long-tined poke of the bigger fork for my salad consumption. Smaller spoon for hot cereal, stews; larger for cold cereal, broths. I have no use for the small forks. I use big forks for everything, and often think of that one Seinfeld episode as I strive to eat way more than one pea at a time.

I know that solids, such as bread, are placed at the left while liquids, such as water, are at the right. I know that once a utensil touches food, it isn't supposed to touch anything but the china from then on out—but that just seems cumbersome...a ceramic crab with flatware legs. I know that you should always pass to the right and if something is situated in front of you, you should serve yourself only after it has made a complete pass around the table—seems illogical. I know it's poor manners to push your plate away once you've finished your meal, and also to stack your dinnerware for the server to remove—I still do it. Seems like a helpful thing to do.

Now, I know I make plenty of blunders with the English language...but Emily Dickinson got away with it—so hey, why not? Likewise, I make plenty of dining etiquette blunders...and worse, I know exactly when I'm doing them, but the proper way just seems wayward...highly destructive to a person run by logic. Is it so bad that I ignore the small forks until we've worked through the big ones? Is it so wrong that I butter my bread straight from the butter dish instead of placing the pat on my bread plate first? Can I use my teaspoon for thick soups? I'm floundering.

Oh God! And how does one eat flounder!?