So, I was given a six-month membership renewal to my place of fitness as a Christmas gift, right? I walked in with my chest puffed and knees unbent that sunny December day, and threw my John Hancock on the indicated line. Believing the matter to be settled, I proceeded with the ritual sweating.

Sometime around, oh, January 8th, 5:32ish AM, or thereabouts, roughly, I met with confrontation. I scanned my jaunty little membership card and the automated voice advised, "You have a message to pick up from the front desk." Well, I was tickled, I'll tell you, just tickled! Never before had I been so singled out during the span of my gym membership.

I stood on tiptoe to peer over the brochures at the front counter, to catch the attendant's attention. She heard the electronic voice, and gnawing on her check, she did not look so giddy to deliver the message that I was so giddy to receive. "Your membership is past due, I'm afraid..." NUH UH!

I gave her the run-down, beginning with Christmas morning and cinnamon rolls, and ending with the unwrapping of the Neighborhood Fitness Center gift card. "I signed something in the binder," I mentioned. That one guy had me do it...the one who accidentally caught me less than decently attired when he entered the women's locker room to grab the dirty towels during his job training. You know, the one who avoided eye contact with me for a solid month...yeah, that guy.

After considerable time had passed, considerable time of awkward silence and eye-narrowing, she asked, "So you would have signed it in the beginning of December, right?" I told her that no, it would have been at the end of December, seeing as how Christmas came at the end of December in 2005, and I received the renewal certificate for Christmas...and how could she forget the cinnamon rolls so soon? I mean, seriously!

The long and the short of it: I began my gym membership as a "couple", with the male-er Phillips as the primary account holder—a farce if ever there existed one, but this was how it began. The attendant patted my head and promised to get it straightened out. A month has passed, and I receive the same error message every morning. The workers there all know to allow me entry just the same.

Personally, I hope it never reaches status: fixed. I have gained great notoriety and popularity from this kerfuffle...and not to mention, as it stands, I have an endless membership on the wings. Those trained to ignore my "That slacker hasn't paid!" messages know not when to stop ignoring them. I could very well have them all wrapped about my little finger into a decent portion of 2007 and perhaps even beyond...