I like them heavily freckled....spotted to a state worthy of a dermatologist's notice and a tanning bed's warning. I want them to be slimy and gooey, and not wanting for teeth. I want the winged bugs to be circling like vultures, their mouths drooling and their eyes reflecting voluptuous hearts. If I'm going to eat one, I want it to be an overripe banana, darn it.

This weekend, as Debbie placed an all too-yellow bunch of them in the fruit basket, I looked at them longingly, daydreaming of their state in a week's time. As if she had the ability to read minds, or at the very least translate the body language of lip-licking, my dear aunt piped up, "They're yours as soon as they go brown."

I feel very loved here...very cherished, and very grateful for the decayed food reserved in my name. You should all be so fortunate.

As we were packing up our life in North Carolina, my mother-in-law told me about this toothpaste from Arm & Hammer. Baking Soda in dental care...I've heard of such lore before, having never considered it for my personal regimen. I considered it then, in the face of such an overwhelmingly positive review from a women who seriously tells it "like it is".

You can use baking soda just about anywhere. The King's website gives you plenty of ideas...I remember using baking soda to unclog a particularly constipated garbage disposal once. Why, just imagine what it could do to my teeth!

Oh no, I didn't just put constipation and oral hygiene in the same category, did I? What can I say?—I'm kissable.