I am feeling marvelous sitting here in my bicycling gear, enthused about today's ride. I don't question the source of my great mood: I know exactly what it is. I have a shuddering flashback to a darker time when padded shorts did not live in my closet. Let me go back…



A couple years ago, I spent what seemed like an embarrassing amount of money on a pair of padded bike shorts. We were at Trek waiting for our bikes to be serviced before our first ride of the season. (It's one of the perks of buying a Trek bike: free annual maintenance.)

Nick already had a pair of padded bike shorts for our bicycling adventures. He was very diligent about wearing them, and I thought it was the silliest thing I had ever heard of. You see, I didn't bike much before dating Nick; I'm still learning how to be one of the cool kids. When I spotted the display of pricey shorts that day, a war waged in me.

All of my medical issues, procedures, and whatnot involve my very low back. Due to the proximity of this boo-boo, Nick and I refer these as my "butt" problems. Not entirely accurate, but it injects a bit of gaiety into the situation. Anyway, I'll be honest that one of my most persuasive arguments FOR buying the most expensive pair of padded bike shorts on the rack was this: if my HMO was willing (or forced) to put six figures into my butt, I should be able to justify three.

After signing my name on the dotted line, I changed in one of the the store's dressing rooms. After I came out, we continued to wait for the bikes to be ready. I did not sit until we were in the car on the way to the trail head…and I think I actually moaned in unbridled pleasure. I felt like I was sitting on a cloud, and it was luxurious. I wasn't even on my bike yet and I was wondering how I could fit these shorts into my everyday wardrobe.

Once my backside was happy, all kinds of doors opened for me. I smiled easier. I was more outgoing. I was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed all the time. I had no idea what kind of pull my posterior had on my perspective…but now that I know, I feel the need to give this knowledge to the world (you know, for the good of mankind).

In retrospect, it was one of the best three-figures I've ever spent. Life-changing. Epic.

My only regret is that I still haven't found a way to work them under a pencil skirt.